It is time to unpack some of those issues…

Trust and surrender, complete surrendering, I believe goes hand in hand. 

I have trust issues. It’s evident in how i continue to navigate in this world. Cautiously, trepidatiously. 

It’s  apparent every time I step into the water. Each time I’m asked to let go and float on my back, I tense up and sink to the floor of the pool and then panic sets in. I begin to flail around like a fish out of water. 

This evening as I stood in the water, tears began to fall because as much as I wanted to let go and surrender, I was too afraid. 

Scared to trust that I could let go. Afraid that my body would betray me and I would lose control. 

For the past few days, I’ve been thinking about how much I want to surrender completely unto God and how hard it’s been. I’ve felt like I’ve needed to hold on and control my life. Every. Single. Aspect. Yet when I do, things continue to sink. Kinda of like I do when I attempt to float on my back. When I’m asked to lay flat on my back, I’m not able to see what’s behind me and I panic because I know without being able to see what’s beneath me, I have no control. That is how I feel when it comes to trusting God and completely surrendering. I can’t see him, I can’t see how he is moving and making a way in my life and I feel like I need to take the reigns and steer. But I keep ending up failing. 

The constant flailing in life has me exhausted, spiritually, mentally and emotionally. 

I just want to surrender and trust…